Tuesday, 18 February 2014

A Double Helping of Relish: Under-use of Dressing Gowns, a Special Editorial.

As previously promised, the Relish is proud to present to its noble readership our very own special editorial on dressing gowns and their unfortunate decline in the modern world.
Avert your eyes, those with delicate sensibilities!

For those that watch television, it appears that for many, the presentable attire for bed consists of something rather like this:

The pure unbridled horror of this image cannot be described in words alone. The bare, hairless chest is exposed not only to the naked eye but to the elements as well. This unfortunate creature here has chosen to inflict his outhrust nipples on any household staff he may encounter during a nocturnal sojourn, although no doubt in this oaf's case it is a trip to procure another can of lager or shandy from his 'den'.

Instead, at the Relish we feel what this image is lacking is a good old fashioned dressing gown.
This dandy dressing gown/shirt and tie combination allows one to exude an air of both formality and leisure, the perfect attire for an own clothes day at work!

However, this grand ensemble is not yet complete. This fellow's unshod feet are still painful to even contemplate. Indeed, this appears to be a 'fad' with the current generations, who seem quite content to stroll around their mortaged properties bare-foot, vulnerable at any time to cutting a foot open on a broken Scotch bottle after their last domestic spat. Needless to say, we at the Relish eschew such a dunderheaded idea and instead recommend a choice of footwear for any night time stroll any of our readers may be considering.

Monogrammed velvet
really is the only choice.

When combined with the shirt and dressing gown, the effect is, as expected, a delicate visual sensation

This fellow had his specially molded to
fit his  new haircut
There is yet more work to be done in the field of dressing gown accessories though! Notice this buffoon's uncapped head, open to attacks from bedbugs while he slumbers! What shall protect his scalp, nestled under his thinning hair, we hear you cry?! Of course, the Relish has an answer to your question. The finest in nocturnal head protection; the nightcap. Not only does it keep one's head warm, it also acts as a helpful counterweight to balance one's nose. If we add this to our diagram, it is easy to see that our inventory is coming to an end.

One last thing remains to complete this Guide to Appropriate Nightwear for the Youth of Today, and that is the Relish's favourite embellishment, a pipe. Personally, we prefer the noble Meerschaum but if you must then you are welcome to add a clay or briarwood pipe to your ensemble. And so, to our diagram once more for the final flourish!
The pipe of the Relish's editor

And there it is, ladies and gentlemen. On your left you can find the Relish's completed illustration demonstrating both the the practicality and style of dressing gowns and well as serving as an inspiration to those that still wander the dark night shirtless of what they too could one evening look like.

The Gentleman's Spring Wardrobe: 2014

Firstly, please allow us to apologise for our hiatus. The life of a modern gentleman is, as we all know well, a life of activity and industry and sometimes cultural pursuits are forced to take second place to these more primary concerns. However, the oft-called cry for the Relish to return has been heard, and what better way to introduce our return to the periodical racks of the country than with another installment of our famous wardrobe supplement!

As Christmas has long since come and gone, we look instead this spring to items for the workplace. We have, as always, been extremely diligent in our scouring of the fashion pages to handpick the finest garments for your perusal. First up in our list is a perennial favourite, albeit for those of a more middle-aged disposition. Hopefully, with a gentle nudge from the Relish, crimson braces may once again supplant the belt and become the youth of today's preferential method for holding their trousers up.

As most excellently demonstrated by the gentleman on the left, red braces give the wearer a sense of authority, of purpose, and exude the confidence of a man who is willing to hand over control of his trousers to a couple of thin bands of cloth. When combined with a dazzling array of pinstripes, the effect is quite simply staggering. We would like to add though, there is a time and place for braces, and it is not when one is wearing 'jeans' and a Trillby. The hipsters may have taken waistcoats from us, we will not surrender our braces quite so easily!

Talking of waistcoats, this brings us on to our next item: the watch chain. I for one find the added weight and inconvenience of a watch uncouthly strapped with a piece of cow flesh to my arm tiresome. My colleagues here at the Relish have encountered similar problems and so we have opted to return to a simple time, when one's watch was safely stowed in one's pocket, where if required it can easily be fetched by a questing hand. However, a quick appraisal of the streets of modern Britain has revealed that still only a few stick to this practice, and so the Relish has devised an all new, illustrated guide to how a pocket watch should be correctly worn.

Gentlemen's Relish Guide to the Correct Usage of Pocket Watches

Example                                                                                                              Relish Rating

A top 10 points from Dave

'Fucking fantastic' Nigel Farage
One of Bo-Jo's fashion no-gos.

Above: Woman responsible for umbrella shortage
Now that this has been cleared up, we think it's time to move on to our last item. Much maligned in recent years due to global warming, the crew of chums here at the Relish believe the humble umbrella has been getting a bit of a bad press recently, we think largely due to this unlikable character:
Instead, we feel it's time this noble tool regained its place amongst the great water deterrent equipment. Not only is the umbrella useful for keeping the rain away, it can also be put to use as a device to illustrate points, to give directions with and is excellent as a thrashing stick (the Relish's very own fag, Tuppence Middleworth, can attest to this). 
Indeed, we have found in our extensive investigations that the umbrella reaches its true potential when it is in fact rolled up! Not only does it promote an image of effortless style, it can be converted a cane/swordstick implement for use both in country, town, and at Association Football games!

The Relish's in-house artist's step by step guide to defending
oneself against
supporters of the Blackburn Rovers football club.
And with that, we leave you this week. Stay in touch though, the Relish will return soon. Feel free to contact us by telegram, in writing or by any other means that facilitates communication and we will reply to you without delay!